Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
