I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
