Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
