My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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