He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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