im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
