I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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