So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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