my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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