I wish you could order shots online.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
