Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
