I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
