the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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