My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
