Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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