went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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