I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
