Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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