So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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