I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
