if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
