I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
