Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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