i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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