i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize