Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize