I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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