tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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