so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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