Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
