If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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