So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The air was thick with penises
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
