i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
