Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize