The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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