She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
