dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
