Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Randomize
