he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
