and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
