I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
where does the pee come out of this thing
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
