If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
