I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
