hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
