Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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