I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize