I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
