Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
