just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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