Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have fence marks all over my body
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
