3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize