I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
