just come out here and I will go home with you...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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