The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
