We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
