i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
