I wish my penis had an off switch
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
