Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
