Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize